Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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