sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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