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I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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