People with herpes should wear stickers.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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