How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
