Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
