We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
