mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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