Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
