So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
