He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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