im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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