Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
