Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
