take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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