Cold hands, warm shart.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
