I just cut my nipple shaving
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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