I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour