No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess