Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
