hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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