What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
