just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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