So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
