I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
