Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
