Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
