I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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