you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
