My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
