It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
