whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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