Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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