I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
