you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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