I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
