I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
