i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
