there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
