I need help removing her.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
