Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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