She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
