I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
