Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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