I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
