Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
