Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
