i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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