Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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