was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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