So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
