He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
