I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
