If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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