pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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