I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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