every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
