I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
