How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
